Dealing With It
by Tangledupandsideways
Summary: Set just after 2x04 Honey. Gill & Ben start a relationship after Matheson threatens Cal's life, but even though he is half in love with her, he knows Gillian's heart will always belong to Cal. This is Callian, although explored through Gill & Ben
1. Honey

The room is silent when Cal leaves, handing off the gun to Gillian as he goes. Any other time and he would have stopped to touch her, reassure her of his safety before even thinking of walking away. She's still shaky scared and the cool metal of the gun makes her feel frozen over.

It takes a minute for things to snap back into motion. Reynolds crosses the room to take the gun from her hands and she finally feels a little relieved. She is so worried about Cal, she doesn't even notice that Reynolds is worried about her, not even when he tells her that it's all over and no one was hurt, except Matheson and he deserved it. She smiles just a little, but there are tears pricking behind her eyes. She subconsciously comforts him with a hand on his shoulder before she, too, walks away.

She doesn't go to her own office, but Cal's. She knows he won't be there, but at least she'll be able to smell him and picture him in this space, picture him safe and warm and happy. She has work to do, but she's too shell shocked to do it, so she just sits on Cal's sofa and breathes in his scent.

She turns at a knock on the door, finding Reynolds leaning against the doorframe.

"How are you holding up?" He asks, moving into the room to sit on the coffee table in front of her.

"I'm okay," she says, but her voice is tinny and small.

"Even I know better than to believe that," he replies.

She smiles a half-smile at him.

"Not just a man with a badge and gun, huh?"

"Nah, I'm much more than that."

The way he's looking at her suggests that he's got something to give, that he could be something to her. She's initially surprised at his expression, soft in its verity. She's flattered that he's attracted to her, must admit to herself that she finds him attractive, too. She could've seen it earlier if she had ever bothered to look for arousal in any man's face other than Cal's.

"I can see that," she smiles.

She wonders for a moment whether his attraction came from that moment outside of the bar when she'd asked him what he thought of her look, probably giving him a very good view down the front of her dress. But honestly, it doesn't matter much to her because she's not in it for the long haul, at least not with him.

She shifts forward on the couch and touches her hand briefly on Reynolds' knee.

"I really am okay," she promises.

"As long as you're sure," he says, his concern still evident.

"Really, Reynolds? Do I have to _show_ you that I'm okay? Look at my face. Tell me what you see."

She's playing with fire, now. She's got her voice heated and sultry low and she looks at him with a face so full of desire, it's smouldering. You didn't have to be trained in microexpression to know that she was asking him to bed. She watches his eyes grow even darker as he looks at her, slowing raking his gaze over her body.

"Gillian," his voice is full of warning she doesn't need. She knows exactly what she's geting herself into.

The behaviour is out of sorts for her, but she's having an out of sorts day. If she could make it better with bold and blatant flirting and perhaps a dirty romp with a man she didn't love, why shouldn't she? If she waited for the person she truly wanted to get his head out of his ass, she might be waiting forever. There was really no reason to believe he'd want her anyway. At least with Reynolds, she knows.

Gillian shifts even further and brings Reynolds' mouth down to hers with a hand on his neck. There's only a second of resistance before he's opening his mouth to her insistent tongue and sucking against it. His hands reach for her waist and he pulls them up and flush together, her fingertips digging tightly into his shoulders. She sighs as their kiss ends, wiping her lipstick from Reynolds' lips with her thumb.

"There's a supply closet down the hall, no camera coverage. Meet me in ten?" she suggests wantonly.

"Okay," he breathlessly agrees.

He would never say no to Gillian.

* * *

Gillian's barely been home an hour when her doorbell rings. She opens up to Cal awkwardly shuffling around her porch as he apologises for leaving her.

"Everyone's dealing with it in their own way," she says.

It sounds like acceptance, but truthfully it's an apology of her own. She doesn't fully regret it, but she does feel a little sorry for the way she had dealt with the situation; having sex with Reynolds up against a wall in the workplace, her skirt pushed up over her hips and her panties pushed aside. Her shame lies only in the fact that it wasn't really Reynolds that she had wanted, although she tried to convince herself she did. Sure she was attracted to him, but she definitely didn't love him. There's someone else.

She stops Cal for a hug before inviting him into her house for the night and she relaxes, knowing that he's safe. He hugs her back so tightly, she fears shattering and she knows in that, he's really giving her a love confession. She said it back with a kiss on the corner of his mouth and a watery smile.

* * *

Reynolds knows before sleeping with Gillian that she loves Cal with everything that she is and Cal loves her right back. The problem is that he's been falling for her, too. How could he not love the woman? She was not only gorgeous, but also kind and funny and real. It was refreshing to see an honest deception expert. She was wonderful and at least for an hour, she had wanted him. He would take what he could get. If it was what she wanted, he'd stay with her until she could finally be with Cal. He'd do anything she wanted because her happiness bolstered his.

It had been nice to be able to comfort her when Cal wasn't around to do it, to be with her in whatever way she'd allow. But he'd understand if she never wanted to sleep with him again. If he had a love like that, he'd never want to sleep with anyone else either. But secretly, he wished it would continue at least for a little while. After all, Cal would get her forever, but Reynolds would be lucky to get a tomorrow.

* * *

A/N: I have always believed that if Ben & Gill would start a relationship, it would be after Honey. He's obviously attracted to her and she needs comfort after seeing the man she loves almost die and Cal's not around to give it. Also in the Ben-centric episode (which is before Fold Equity) about his undercover work, Cal says something about Gill being his best friend and Ben gets this look on his face and I instantly thought he was either sleeping with Gill or in love with her (or both)


	2. Lack of Candor

It's not the first time he's woken in her bed. She smiles in her sleep and he can't help but smile back. He's lucky, he's so damn lucky to wake up next to her, to see her in her natural beauty before she dresses herself in perfection and uses makeup to create a flawless, but freckle-less face. He loves her freckles, wishes that she would let him count them, play connect-the-dots on her body. But he won't ask. He knows he doesn't have her, not really. All that he has in her is a good friend and occasional sex partner. The sex is great and the company even better. He couldn't ask for anything more.

She stirs before she wakes, her body awake before her eyes, before her mind. And she turns to him, a groggy smile spreading languidly over her face.

"Hi," she greets him.

"Good morning, Gillian," he replies.

He reaches for her hand, looping their fingers together. He can't stop touching her because he misses her so much.

He'd been in witness protection for the week before the trial and hadn't been able to see her until it concluded. In that undercover case, he had done everything right, followed every protocol. Still, he had been burned. It lends him a better understanding of Gill, who did nothing but good, did only what was right and had still been wronged time and time again. She deserves so much more. She deserves to find happiness. And she'd find it with Cal if she was just brave enough to say something. Ben thinks she _should_ say something, even if it means he can't have her anymore.

He looks at her, sleepy eyes and everpresent smile and all of a sudden he wants her to know.

"Cal, he's grateful for you, you know? Said something about you being the only one to stick by him," Ben says.

Gill, she doesn't know what to say. It's good to hear, of course, but seemingly impossible to reply to.

"Yeah?" she questions, forcing the smile out of her voice and off her face.

He nods.

"Yeah, he's a good friend."

"Definitely," she replies, allowing that smile to surface.

"Do you love him?" he asks, boring into her eyes with his.

She falters for a minute, her face almost, _almost_ letting Ben see the truth of her emotions.

"Yeah, he's my best friend," she replies, although she knows that's not what he means.

"Gillian," he presses, his face showing how desperate he is for an answer.

Does he want her to say no? She's scoffing in her head. Of course, he wants her to say no, wants her to be in love with him instead. She would be a fool not to see his feelings for her intensify until she wasn't quite sure she wanted him to feel that way.

"I-I don't know," she says, failing to keep the question from her voice.

She does know. She knows that Cal is everything to her. She knows that she wants him near her all the time. She knows that she feels so comfortable to talk to him and he'll always lend an ear. She knows she wants him in every way he'll allow.

"I do," Ben says frankly.

And she's not surprised, of course she isn't. It seems that everyone around her can see that she's in love with Cal, except Cal himself. He was supposed to be the best, he was worlds better than she was at reading emotions. How could he miss something everyone else can see? _Did_ he miss it or did he just not want to hurt her by saying he didn't feel the same?

"Ben," she starts, but he is quick to interject.

"It's okay, Gillian, I understand. I'll be here as long as you need me and then I'll go. Don't worry, I'll go," he says.

It comforts her, it does, that he's prepared himself for the day when she won't need him anymore. Maybe, then, it won't hurt him so much when she goes.

She knows that there will come a day she'll walk away from all this, away from the man who had become such a close friend and comforter to her. She'll walk out of his arms and into someone else's. At this point, the both of them know who. Or at least, she's hoping.

* * *

A/N: I know this is marked as completed, but I'm going to add a few more chapters. I'm thinking two more after this one. I'll let you all know when I've completely finished.


	3. Secret Santa

She invites him to her bed when she's scared and Cal is in danger. It doesn't surprise him. He can understand not wanting to be alone when someone you love could die and worry colours your every thought, every movement. He understands wanting to distract yourself, wanting to forget if just for a moment.

Cal had made her lie to Emily about where he was right now, just a week before Christmas. Afghanistan. God, the idea scares her beyond belief; Cal in his recklessness, spending time in the middle of a warzone. He could die. And if he didn't, he could still return dead inside. He could return scared and shaky and unable to be the man he was before, the man she had fallen in love with. Or he could come back the same way he'd gone. But what were the chances?

As Ben kisses her on the mouth, she thinks of Cal's goodbye. His kiss just shy of her lips, the smacking sound it makes. He was trying to tell her it would be okay, but they both knew he wasn't sure. _He wasn't sure_.

"Fear is healthy," she had reminded him, knowing intinutively that he was just as afraid as she was, even though she couldn't see it on his features, even though he didn't want her to.

But he is gone and Ben is here and he will make her feel better. He always does. He knows exactly the right ways to make her forget everything but his actions, forget even her own name. He knows how to ease her fears and lessen her pain with his mouth, his tongue, his body. He knows how to make it better. And that's why it is him she goes to when Cal is the problem. Ben knows how to clean up the messes Cal makes in Gillian, the messes Gillian can't clean up herself.

She needs him, she realises. She needs Ben to survive Cal. How could she hold herself together otherwise?

Ben knows. He seems to know everything in regards to Gillian. To feel needed by her, it makes his heart swell with pride. But also, he feels fear. Yeah, Gillian might need him now and for a while it'll be safe to feel attached. And then, one day she'll forget she ever needed him at all because she'll have Cal and he'll give her so much more than Ben ever could. She'll forget him. He won't get to love her, not even from the outside. Their ties will sever, every single one of them.

He pushes the thought out of his mind and focuses on pleasing Gillian, being what she needs. Because when it comes to her, there is nothing else.

* * *

It's two more stressful days before Cal returns. She spends each of them with Ben. She tries so hard to turn fear to passion and for the most part, it works. The thing about fear, though, is that we don't always know when it's there. Sometimes it lingers unfelt just beneath the surface, rising when we least expect it. At least, that's the way it happens with Gillian.

Her terror comes rushing back into her veins when communications with Cal cut out and she has no way of reaching him, making sure he's okay. And it sticks with her until she sees Cal walk into the Group's Christmas party with Emily on his arm. She is so relieved, she wants to cry, but she won't. She can't.

His embrace squeezes the last of the fear from her frame and she closes her eyes, breathes him in. And when he pulls away, she extends the contact, rubbing her hands across his face. She wants to kiss him, feel all the parts of herself once broken finally mend, but she isn't able to muster the courage. She watches as he hugs Torres, starts to compliment her then changes his mind. She watches him give Loker the paper snowflake for secret santa. She just watches him and somehow he knows to stay close, knows that she needs him near enough to touch. And the look in her eyes, it's truth.

Ben watches Gillian watch Cal and for him, it's heartwrenching. She _loves_ him, it's all over her face as she looks at him. It's right there. How Lightman doesn't see it is something Ben will never understand. Torres and Loker, they see it too. It's written in the way they move further from the two, watching without seeming to. They love to think they're smarter than their bosses, seeing something their superiors can't. They're wrong.

Ben is sure that the pair knows how the other feels, but something is stopping them. Whether it's fear or risk or the idea of the right time, something is stopping them. Ben wishes he knew what, so that he could finally end Gillian's pain. When you truly love someone, you want what's best for them, even if it's not you. And what's best for Gillian is Cal. The only trouble comes in getting him to believe it.

It's hard to think Cal could ever believe that Gillian would be better with him, but she would be. And Cal, he'd be nothing without her. They were like oxygen to each other; they'd just breathe the other in without thinking, but couldn't live without them. They just had to stop breathing for a time to realise.

* * *

A/N: I am really enjoying writing this story & all the positive reviews I've been getting. Thank you! Anyway, this is the half-way point of the story. There will be two more chapters, which might be a bit longer. Hopefully, I'll finish this some point throughout the week. I love you all!


	4. Exposed

She has come to love Dave Burns. He tells her the truth, even when he shouldn't, just so taken with her that he can't risk letting her go. She thinks she could spend a long while loving him. He's so different than Cal. He's purely sweet. He sends her flowers and takes her to her favourite places and does everything with her on his mind. He's not afraid of commitment, of submitting to love. He's the perfect man to get lost in. She almost forgets ever having wanted anyone else.

She remembers telling Ben, watching his face crumple, but he nods. He nods anyway because she was never meant to be his, even though she's not meant to be with Dave either. He had expected her to move from him onto Cal, not pausing to string someone else along between them. And the idea that perhaps he wasn't enough for her hurts him. He thought, at least for a while, that he had deserved her.

She's knocking at Ben's door and trying not to cry and he goes slack-jawed when he sees her standing there. He'd almost forgotten how much he had wanted her, still wants her. And he doesn't know what to say and neither does she, so silence hums between them for a moment. Then, a tentative voice.

"Can I come in?"

He almost wants to say no, struggles against the idea. He just doesn't want to go back to that place again, where his happiness was dependent on her, when he needed her more than she could ever need him. He knows that's where sex with her would take him. And even if that's what she wants, what she needs, Ben just can't give it to her. Not anymore.

"Okay," he says, opening the door wider for her to pass through.

They move to sit on the couch and Ben tries to say something, but all he can think of is how much Gillian had hurt him, how it hurts even more just seeing her.

"I'm sorry," she says, seemingly reading his mind.

But, she does read people for a living, particularly the things they don't want her to know. She can see his pain, his anger, his shame. She can see it all. She _feels_ it now, too. What Burns had done to her had left her feeling the same way.

"What I started after Matheson and his gun," she sighs, "it was wrong. It wasn't fair to you and it was...destructive. I hurt you and myself, too."

He closes his eyes to the words, but hangs on to every one nonetheless.

"I'm sorry that I took advantage of the way you felt about me and everything you had to offer. I'm even sorrier for leaving you. It wasn't worth it," she explains.

There's a subtext to her words, he thinks, but he doesn't understand just what she means. It's the first time in a long time that Ben doesn't understand Gill.

"He hurt you? Dave?"

He's asking before he processes the thought and he feels stupid, so stupid, for bothering to ask. If everything was alright with Dave, she wouldn't be here. She wouldn't want to upset him by being happy without him. Coming to him shook and shattering all over him, it's the opposite of an "I told you so". It's an "I'm sorry, you were right." It's a "Please forgive me." And he wants to.

She looks up at him with watery eyes and she looks so different without a smile, forced and weak or otherwise. She doesn't look like Gill.

"He just _left,"_ she says.

And he understands what he had heard under her words earlier. It was guilt. It was guilt because now she understood what she had done to him, now the same had been done to her.

"I'm sorry," she repeats.

He isn't sure whether she is apologising for the sobbing that seems to swallow her or the pain she'd caused him, but it doesn't matter to him anymore. She's falling apart and he knows how to put her back together, even without taking her to bed. He knows how to fix this.

He pulls her nearer, wrapping protectively around her as she cries. She smells the same, the exact combination of sweetness and feminine musk. Her skin is still impossibly soft. He misses this closeness, misses her so damn much. He has to restrain himself from breathing her in, kissing on her like he used to. But it's enough. Him holding her, it's enough for the both of them.

She laughs as she wipes the tears from her eyes to cover her embarrassment. She hates to be vulnerable, but she is and it's only because she cares so much. She puts all of her hope into things, praying it'll act as glue, but everything falls apart around her. And she falls apart, too.

Ben sighs, stroking through her hair.

"He didn't deserve you," he says. "If you weren't the most important thing in his life, he didn't deserve you."

She doesn't have to say anything for Ben to know exactly the path her mind takes.

"It's not the same," Ben explains. "Emily's his little girl, no matter how old she is."

Her silence makes him ache and he struggles with finding the words to say. And all of a sudden, it's clear to him. He can make it better, but only Cal can make it okay. For Gillian, Cal will always be the answer.

"You should go to him," he suggests, his voice so quiet and calm.

She can hear how his voice shakes, even as he tries to cover it up and it surprises her what a great liar he's become through spending time around the Group, scares her even. If a man who was once transparent could become this good a liar, Cal could become impenetrable. But Ben wants her to go to him, even though for so long, he had wanted her for himself. Isn't that really saying something? Isn't that telling her the risks mean nothing?

She wants to tell Cal, she does. But what if he has nothing to say in return? What if he doesn't feel to current between them that Gill does? Cal has always valued truth over all else and Gillian knows she should give it because it could lead to her own priority; happiness. And she thinks for a minute: truth or happiness? She has neither at this moment, but hopes by the end of the night, she'll have both. Cal didn't even believe it was _possible_ to have both. Was it really so naïve to think otherwise?


	5. Further Exposed

Gillian is sitting in her car, trying to compose herself. She just can't get her hands to stop shaking. She'd driven towards Cal's house, parked down the street, so he wouldn't see her car if she chickened out. She's trying to build up the courage to walk up to his front door and say what she has to say, but she's stricken. She doesn't think she can do this. She's weighing risks and rewards and she's terrified that it may just be fifty-fifty. And if he says no, that could be almost too much to bear. She shakes her limbs as if ridding herself of the fear that clings to her and turns off her car. She has to do this. It's the right thing, isn't it?

Every step towards his door is excruciating because she's got it in her head that he doesn't want her. She feels it in his actions at times, his lack of action at others. But she wants to think she was wrong. Usually, it's the people we care most about that we have the most difficulty reading. It's with her heart focused on that hope that she reaches out and rings the doorbell.

It's not Cal that answers, but Emily. And she seems not to realise that right now, Gillian is not herself. She's tense and wound tight and she has to _do_ something before it becomes too much and she snaps like a rubber band.

"Hey Gillian," she smiles, opening the door further for the older woman to enter.

"Hi Emily. Your dad in?"

"Yeah," she answers, but her brow furrows in confusion at Gillian's half-masked expressions. "Is something wrong?"

Gillian shakes her head.

"No, no, I just have to speak to him about something," she says.

Emily's not convinced, but she goes to get her dad as Gillian hangs up her coat and slips off her heels.

Her breath seizes in her throat when she sees him in his pyjama pants and five-o-clock shadow.

"Hi Cal," she says, meekness quieting her voice.

"Foster," he replies.

She can hear the anger he tries to curb, but she doesn't know why it's there. What had she done to upset him?

"I need to talk to you," she says.

She lets him see that she's nervous, terrified rather. She lets him know it's not an easy thing to say. But his anger doesn't soften into concern, he doesn't try to comfort her.

"I thought you'd rather talk to Reynolds," he says, bitterness seeping into his tone.

"Cal," she warns.

"No, Foster! Reynolds is-"

The second he says the words, he realises he shouldn't, so he stops himself. She'll hear the jealousy in them, even though he blanks his face and tries so damn hard not to feel it. She'll know and he'll see the disgust crawl over her face and she'll walk away from him. She'll leave him just like every other woman he's ever let himself love. How could she want to stay?

"Cal," she repeats, near-desperate now.

"You really think I didn't know?" his vioce is quiet now and Gillian can't figure out whether it's because he's trying to keep emotion out of his voice or if he _knows._ He could know what Reynolds is to Gillian, what she goes to him for, and just want to respect her privacy when his sixteen year old daughter is likely listening from the top of the staircase.

"You could've told me that you were seeing him. I'm meant to be your best friend."

She laughs dryly, almost sadly.

"That's not what it was."

"Then what the hell was it?"

"It was...comfort. When I was scared about you."

He looks so confused, so lost. But he had to have known that Gill cared for him, worried about him. And when he wasn't there, was off getting himself into trouble, she needed someone. _Everyone_ needs someone.

"Don't be an idiot, Cal. You're always putting yourself at risk. You don't think I get scared?"

"But you-"

"Yeah, Cal. I did. Made me feel better," she interupts, not wanting him to say the words aloud. They both knew already just what she and Ben had done.

He sighs and she can practically see the anger leaving him.

"I'm sorry," he says.

She doesn't know if he means he's sorry for his accusation or his recklessness. She doesn't know anything when it comes to Cal Lightman.

"Are you done with him?" He asks.

"I was only biding my time," she replies.

"Until?"

 _'Until you,' s_ he thinks, but she doesn't answer right away, but looks at him instead. She lets him see her affection, her fear, her shame. Then, all too quietly, she speaks.

"I was so scared, Cal, but I wasn't ready to tell you why."

She looks at her toes, chipped red polish and she thinks when she gets home, she'll paint them blue. She thinks he's going to ask her to walk away because he won't want this and she'll be so beaten, all she'll see is blue anyway.

"Cal, I don't know how to say this," she begins, tears forming in her eyes.

He knows what she's going to say and he's terrified to hear it. He isn't stupid. He knows there is no universe where he will be what she wants, what she needs. He can love her so fucking much, but she's probably just preparing to walk away from him. She probably just feels guilty because she knows her departing footsteps will crush him like the earth beneath her feet.

She'd been _healing_ to him. She sewed up his gaping wounds, both physical and emotional. She was the only one he'd ever had a real talk about his mother with. She was the only one who understood him. He couldn't lose her.

"You don't have to," he says. "We can leave things just as they are."

She looks so hurt, he's convinced he got it wrong. But, he's not sure of anything. He's not sure of anything when it comes to Gill.

"I'm in love with you!" she says, tears cascading down her cheeks and the words are so heavy in the air, so raw and true and bloody terrifying.

He doesn't even bother to hide the surprise that passes over his face. He doesn't hide anything. She watches his emotions turn, through confusion into reaslisation. She closes her eyes to him before she can see what he feels in return, _if_ he feels in return.

He knows now that all the times she looked at him so lovingly, it wasn't friendship. Her smothering concern, it was jealousy. Her fear was so much more than losing her best friend. Her physical attraction, well, that was the one thing he got right.

"Gill, look at me," he says.

She opens her eyes so quickly to the sound of his voice, to the emotions in it she's too afraid to identify. She doesn't want to open herself to rejection, to look on his face and put her fears together into truth.

What she sees when she focuses her gaze isn't what she expects, not at all.

And before she can fully comprehend it, he's kissing the breath from her lips, swallowing her doubts and fears.

"It's about time!" Emily screams from the top of the staircase.

"Get lost, Em!" Cal yells in reply.

He doesn't let Gillian go, crushes her closer instead, her chin resting on his shoulder. He brushes her hair back and speaks close to her ear.

"I love you, Gill. You an' Em, you're everything, better than everything."

"You're everything to me, too."

A/N: The end! Yes, I'm actually finished now. This chapter was actually so hard to write, I rewrote it several times and I still don't feel 100% happy with it, though I do like it. I don't know, you'll have to tell me if you think it's missing something. Thank you to all who've stuck it through to the end.


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